Sunday, June 17, 2012

I'm a human, right...?

I am not sure when the misconception about women and bodily functions first surfaced, but it ruins my life. I mean, for real. It does. For those of you who are already blushing or are genuinely confused about what I mean, I am talking about the toilet. Yup, that's right. Toilet humor is on the list of things a lady does not openly discuss. Well ladies, here is your chance! A little nervous? I'll start for you...

I had yet another stressful week in my life. Work was driving me crazy, I had financial issues that made NO sense, and my relationship was (and still is) not where I want it to be. So, being the woman I am, I decided to eat my feelings. That's right... My feelings were in the shape of a large hamburger pizza with extra cheese. Simply delicious. After eating half on Friday night and pounding another two slices the following morning, I felt better... Kind of...

Saturday morning, I made the dreaded trip to Wal-Mart. Quality folk running around that joint...not. But my broke ass has to shop there in order to do things like eat.

As I was walking around the store aimlessly, my stomach decided it wanted to remind me about that pizza I ate. Yup. It was knocking at my door (if you know what I mean). Lucky for me, it was only gas. You heard me, boys, GAS!

So being the super smart LADY I am, I had to come up with a plan and come up with one quick. Ladies (and gents) feel free to use this tip whenever out and about. I think it is and will be the best one I will have (until something else comes up)... I knew I had to poot. There was no avoiding it. My master plan went as follows:

  • Run (or walk briskly) to the aisle with all the laundry soap.
  • Start at one end and walk slowly, examining items you are not going to buy.
  • Let out the gas, but keep it moving.
  • Once you finish expelling your gas, hit the next aisle over. It usually consists of air fresheners and candles.
Needless to say, I won the "damn, I'm gonna be so embarrassed if someone notices my fart" battle. Only a LADY would figure out how to fart in public and keep it moving like nothing happened. So, until next time...

Hello World...Are you out there?


After having so many life changing things happen, I have decided to share the negatives of it all. I am sure there are many things ladies think or feel, but can't say anything about it. I am no one special. I graduated from college, started a career, and now I'm just here... Not a bad thing, but there are so many things I wish I could say and do, but being a lady stops me from doing so. With that being said, I am going to share all my shenanigans with you all in hopes I am not alone in this world. This is my first blog, so wish me luck... And if it is beyond awful, don't tell me. I probably can't handle it. Well, there is not much more to say as of right now, so...let's get started...