Sunday, June 17, 2012

I'm a human, right...?

I am not sure when the misconception about women and bodily functions first surfaced, but it ruins my life. I mean, for real. It does. For those of you who are already blushing or are genuinely confused about what I mean, I am talking about the toilet. Yup, that's right. Toilet humor is on the list of things a lady does not openly discuss. Well ladies, here is your chance! A little nervous? I'll start for you...

I had yet another stressful week in my life. Work was driving me crazy, I had financial issues that made NO sense, and my relationship was (and still is) not where I want it to be. So, being the woman I am, I decided to eat my feelings. That's right... My feelings were in the shape of a large hamburger pizza with extra cheese. Simply delicious. After eating half on Friday night and pounding another two slices the following morning, I felt better... Kind of...

Saturday morning, I made the dreaded trip to Wal-Mart. Quality folk running around that joint...not. But my broke ass has to shop there in order to do things like eat.

As I was walking around the store aimlessly, my stomach decided it wanted to remind me about that pizza I ate. Yup. It was knocking at my door (if you know what I mean). Lucky for me, it was only gas. You heard me, boys, GAS!

So being the super smart LADY I am, I had to come up with a plan and come up with one quick. Ladies (and gents) feel free to use this tip whenever out and about. I think it is and will be the best one I will have (until something else comes up)... I knew I had to poot. There was no avoiding it. My master plan went as follows:

  • Run (or walk briskly) to the aisle with all the laundry soap.
  • Start at one end and walk slowly, examining items you are not going to buy.
  • Let out the gas, but keep it moving.
  • Once you finish expelling your gas, hit the next aisle over. It usually consists of air fresheners and candles.
Needless to say, I won the "damn, I'm gonna be so embarrassed if someone notices my fart" battle. Only a LADY would figure out how to fart in public and keep it moving like nothing happened. So, until next time...

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